STUPID QUESTIONS

My sister was talking to me about one of my previous blogs titled "Dumb Questions." During our conversation she thought of and mentioned a classic stupid question, but I forgot what it was, durn it. I am inviting her to add her question to this list by a comment at the end, and I am inviting anyone else to do the same. Here is the complete and unabridged version of the book my fifth graders and I wrote.


STUPID QUESTIONS

BY MR. R. AND HIS STUDENTS


"WHO IS BURIED IN GRANT'S TOMB?"

"HOW MANY COOKIES ARE THERE IN ONE DOZEN?"

"HOW MUCH DOES THE MEAT IN A MCDONALD'S QUARTER POUNDER WEIGH?"

"HOW OLD IS YOUR THREE YEAR OLD SISTER?"

"HOW MUCH DO THE THIRTY-NINE CENT STAMPS COST?"

"IS YOUR BROTHER A BOY OR A GIRL?"

"IS THAT A DOG BARKING?"

(SPOKEN BY A "SALES ASSOCIATE" WITH A HUGE NAME TAG ON HIS SHIRT) "HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME?"

"HOW LONG DOES THE TV SHOW '60 MINUTES' LAST?"

"WHEN WAS THE WAR OF 1812?"

"WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE COMPANY THAT MAKES CAMPBELL'S SOUP?"

"WHERE DID THE BOSTON TEA PARTY TAKE PLACE?"

"WHO WAS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES DURING THE EISENHOWER ADMINISTRATION?"

"WHAT IS THE MAIN INGREDIENT IN CREAM OF WHEAT?"

"MR. R., WOULD YOU LIKE A PIECE OF THIS HOT AND DELICIOUS HOMEMADE CHERRY PIE?"

"WHAT CITY DO THE MIAMA DOLPHINS PLAY IN?"

"THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES LIVES IN THE WHITE HOUSE. WHAT COLOR IS IT PAINTED?"

"WHAT IS THE PHONE NUMBER FOR 911?"

"HOW DO YOU SPELL F.B.I.?"

"WHAT MOUNTAIN RANGE DOES THE APPALACHIAN TRAIL GO THROUGH?"


THE END

BLOWIN' SMOKE AT THE TEACHER

By the time I got to high school, I became a connoisseur of the bungling art of blowin' smoke at the teacher. Some people refer to it as snow, others as bs, but's it all the same. It's the blundering attempt to get a decent grade in school using only chicanery and a pen, for the brain has no clue. However, there is a blank paper staring at you which will be graded later by a teacher who might be distracted, or better yet, in a stupor.

One of my students gave it a shot, a fine piece of complicated confusion and absurdity, and one of the first really asinine attempts at blowin' smoke at me by this group of kids. Kids don't get good at it until the fifth grade. Here is a fine example of blowin' smoke.


The question: "What causes wind?"

The answer: "Gravity and air causes wind by gravity pushing up and down and inside is wind."

Joe has a way to go before he's eligible for high school quality smoke blowin', but it's a start.

DUMB QUESTIONS

This is a long blog, so have a cup of coffee ready.

My first fifth grade class wrote a book many years ago that I have shared with other subsequent classes, and they have helped add entries into it. The book is titled, "Dumb Questions." Anytime anyone asks or thinks of a dumb question, we write it in the book. So far we have quite a few classics:

"When was the War of 1812?"

"How many doughnuts are in a dozen?"

"How much do the $ .39 stamps cost?"

"What company makes "Campbell's Soup?"

"What color is the White House painted?"

"Who was President during the Eisenhower administration?"



I think you get the picture. My students love making them up and hearing them, and we have had quite a lot of fun with dumb questions.

My fifth grade class was recently visited by two of my ex-students who are now completely grown up and wise to the world. They are eighth graders at the middle school around the corner, and they came to my class to discuss what life was really like at middle school, and we aren't talking the bullshit questions kids will ask when an adult is around like, "Where are the drinking fountains?" or "How many times a week may you visit the library?" or "When is lunch period?" No. Not that crap. This was for real.

The first question was, "Are there knife fights at the school?"
"What?"
"I've heard there are knife fights at the school. Is that true?"
"Of course not! That's ridiculous!"
"I've heard there are fights and kids get beat up."
"I've never seen one. I think you'd get in BIG trouble if you got into a fight."

This is the kind of questions kids want answered. They hear rumors. Scary rumors. Frankenstein scary. Death scary. Kids get hurt. Kids die. Guns, dope, sex, and mayhem. Destruction, and Evil lurk the halls and grab little sixth graders and gobble them up like caramels.

So these two girls are giving my kids a real, honest, truthful look at middle school life. The question and answer session is going quite well, except every now and then they either grossed out my more mature students or confused the more immature ones with some remark about melting to the ground whenever a dreamy boy walked by.

All is going well.

Then someone asked the very good question, "I have heard that you can't ask questions. Is it true you're not allowed to ask questions?"

One of the girls, Marissa, is quite an over-the-top amateur actress/ham, and she started getting a lot of laughs with her answer.

"That's some kinda stupid rumor you've heard. Of course you can ask questions. Now you can't ask dumb questions" (A giggle rose from my students.) "There's one teacher, Ms. Conkle, who can't STAND stupid questions!" (Louder giggling from my students) "Someone will ask her a stupid question like, 'Ms. Conkle, is Texas in Africa or a constant state of stupidity?'" (Guffaws from my students).

By now Marissa is the center of attention and loving it. She's animated. She's doing voices. She's on a roll, and the kids are starting to roar with laughter.

"If you ask Ms. Conkle a dumb question, she'll bug her eyes out at you and say, 'Now that's a stupid question. Stop that right now!' So as you can see, it's only dumb questions you can't ask."

I'm a fan of comedy, and I can play a pretty good straight man. I'm sitting in the back of the room, and I am thinking, "Why don't you ask her a dumb question? She can look at you and say, 'Mr. R.. that's a dumb question! Stop that right now!'" So I raise my hand and Marissa promptly calls on me.

"Yes. Mr. R. You have a question?"

"Yes, Marissa, I do. I was wondering who is buried in Grant's tomb?"

Now I never thought for one minute that she wouldn't know the answer to that question. All my students through the years have heard these questions, including Marissa, and roared with laughter at them. I became immediately concerned when Marissa lowered her head and started scratching her chin as if in thought. Then she promptly looks up at me and exclaims, "Billy the Kid!"

My fifth graders started screaming with laughter. They thought that was the funniest thing they ever heard. Marissa was obviously confused, and I saw her friend, Shannon, whisper to her, "The answer is Grant." I could see Marissa's face fall as she realized her error, and she immediately yelled out, "Okay everybody, stop! Stop laughing. Stop! I see now what I did. I remember the dumb questions and you caught me off guard. Ask me another one, Mr. R. Please! Please ask me another one!"

I immediately said, as a way of letting her save face, "What is the main ingredient in Cream of Wheat?"

Without hesitation, Marissa yells out, CREAM!"

The kids fell out of their chairs! I saw Shannon mouthing the words, "It's wheat, not cream!" I saw the look on poor Marissa's face. It was humiliation turning into anger. I went to the front of the room and told her, amidst all the jeers and cackling, "I'm sorry, Marissa, I didn't mean to embarrass you."

She replied, "I'm never coming back here again!"

I told her that I felt horrible, and please, PLEASE come back.

I am proud to say that she and Shannon did come back about a week later, and we celebrated their return with a short party. In the middle of the party I asked Marissa a question:

"Marissa, is your brother a boy or a girl?"

Marissa proudly and confidently yells out, "He's a boy! And stop it with the dumb questions!!"

The kids cheered.

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A FIFTH GRADER?

One of the hot new shows on FOX is a game show called "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?" If you haven't heard of this show, click on this link.

I like the show because it shows real, fifth grade kids as well-educated, intelligent, and clever. I am a fifth grade teacher, and I know for a fact that some kids today are more intelligent than I am, and many are more mature at their age than I was.

This morning at breakfast I was pontificating about something of no great importance, and I happened to make an offhand remark of little significance which, by chance, happened to have a minor error in it. However, my dear wife, Peggy, quickly and efficiently pointed out my "mistake." Then she said, "I'm smarter than a fifth grade teacher!"

Oh boy. I'm gonna be hearing that punch line a lot.

KIDS' QUESTIONS

My fifth graders can ask some off-beat questions. Here are some examples:



"What is the difference between living in an apartment and a condom?"


"Mr. R., what is a ho?"
"Well, Joe, I think that is a question you should ask your Mom. Where did you hear that word?"
"I was at my Grandma's and she told my Grandpa that were was a snake in the yard so go get a hoe."


"Mr. R., who is Martian Luther King?"
"You mean Martin Luther King."
"No. It says here Martian Luther King."
"That's a misprint, a misspelling.
"Oh."

"Mr. R., what's an IV?"
"An IV? Well, I've heard of an IV drip. It's when a person is in the hospital and receives medication and nourishment through a tube that's hooked up to their bloodstream. Is that what you mean?"
"I think so."
"Well how did you hear the word?"
"My Mom told the waitress to start bringing her margaritas and to just keep feeding them to her in an IV."