Sunday, October 08, 2006

R-Rated Blog: The "B" Word

I'm an elementary schoolteacher, yet I hear kids use cuss words and profanity that, if I would have used them under any circumstances as a kid in the 1950's, would have gotten a bar of Palmolive shoved halfway down my esophagus. Things like, and I quote:

"C_ _ p!"

"S_ _ t!"

"F_ _ k!"

"F_ _ k you!"

"F_ _ k you too!"

"E _ t me!"

"B_ _ e me!"

"That s_ _ _ s!"

"She s _ _ _ s!"

"He s _ _ _ s!"

"You s _ _ _ !"

"D _ _ n!"

"D _ _ _ it!"

"That p _ _ _ _ s me off!"

"Holy c _ _ p!"

But there is one word I have never heard any child even whisper, and that's the "b" word. Some kid'll run up to me on the playground and cry, "Mr. R., Johnny called me a b _ _ _ _ _ d, so I told him to go f _ _ k himself, and then he called me a w _ _ _ e, and I told him that meant he was g _ y, and then he......... and then.......... and then he.............. Oh! I can't say it, it's so horrible."

"But you have to tell me! What happened then?" What terrible thing made you come running to see me?"

Mr. R., Johnny then called me.......... he said....................Oh! Mr. R., I can't even say the word."

"Well whisper it. In my ear."

They'll get real close to my ear and then say, "I can't, Mr. R., it's too terrible."

"Well I need to know what he said, so I give you permission. Look here. I have a legal document signed by me, our principal, her boss the school superintendent, the Mayor of our city, the Governor of our state, the President of our country, the Pope, the Dalai Lama, and Lindsey Lohan. This document gives you the right to say the word to me without ever getting into trouble. OK. Now what's the word?"

"The word is................ the word............. it's too............ the word............. Oh! Mr. R., I just can't.

"Well spell the word. Can you spell it?"

"Yes, but that would be like saying it in slow motion."

"Well then tell me the first letter. What does it begin with?"

The kid will then lean very close and whisper, "It starts with a b."

All the other kids in listening distance will put their hands over their mouth in disgust and horror and make a gasping noise.

"Was the word 'bitch'? Was that the 'b' word?"

"Oh My God! I didn't hear that. I can't believe you said it! Oh God! Save us all! Yes! That was it!!"

"Then what happened after he called you the 'b' word?"

"Well then I told him his sister was a h _ _ _ er and his mother was a p _ _ _ _ _ tute, and then he punched me, so I punched him back, and he's laying over there in a pool of blood."

"Well what did you come to see me for?"

"Mr. R.! He used the 'b' word!!!"

Poor Johnny. There are some limits as to what is acceptable in playground mores. He went way over the line. He is now an untouchable. A lower class citizen. A kid that used the "b" word!

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