Thursday, November 05, 2009


I love diving boards, and a swimming pool with a diving board is a real treat. However, I had one bad experience with them. When I was thirteen there was a younger boy in the neighborhood whose name I have forgotten. Some people will say, after reading this story, that I repressed his name, but actually he only lived in the house two doors down for a couple of months. Or, maybe I did repress it. The more I think about that kid, the more I want to punch him.

For one thing, he loved to debate. "Let's debate," he would say. A topic would be chosen. Then, as soon as you said something to argue back, he'd say, "You're losing control. I win!"

I'd say, "I'm not upset!"

"Yes you are," he'd reply with an evil grin, "And I win 'cause if you are so good you make the other guy lose control, then you automatically win. I win 'cause you got upset!"

"Well I'm upset now, you big buttwipe," I would cleverly add. Then he'd walk away mockingly saying, "You're gettin' really upset now. I definitely win!"

He also would go around telling everyone that it was a sin to masturbate, and if you did it, you were going to Hell. Then he'd look you in the eye and say, "I can tell you've done it! You're going to Hell!" Now this was when I was in the seventh grade, so let's be honest; he'd caught me and every other boy in the neighborhood. Except himself. He swore he had never done masturbated. Jim next door agreed with him once when he added, "You're probably right. Your peter is probably too short to grab a hold of." I loved Jim, and I still remember his name. He didn't live there very long either.

This kid never exercised. He never played football, baseball, or even rode a bike. No one ever saw him even run. I figured he wasn't very athletic.

Then one day I saw him at the neighborhood swimming pool. He was in a swim suit that was a brief, which shocked me. I mean, only professional swimmers wore briefs. They were triangle shaped, and the bulge of your privates could be seen. This was a sin my mother would never tolerate, so I always wore boxer swim trunks, and she bought big ones too. I'd grab a hold of those things every time I went off the diving board so I'd resurface with them still attached. This kid was in briefs, and judging by the bulge, Jim was correct.

There was a lovely angel disguised as a college girl up in an air chair watching over the deep end by the diving boards, and I had gone to the swimming pool for one reason and that was to swim the entire length of the pool underwater, thus impressing this Goddess Lifeguard to notice me, even if for a moment.

I told this kid I was in love with the lifeguard. He looked over at her and I could tell he didn't see her in the same "light" as I did, but he did say, "Let's go talk to her!" That sounded great to me because conversation distance with her would be sixty-three feet closer than I was to her already, so we both went over to talk to her.

The first thing out of this kid's mouth is, "Hey lady! You wanna watch us dive off the diving board?"

"Sure. Go ahead."

"Will you watch?"

"Sure. I'll be watching."

This was great! She was going to be watching us go off the diving board. She wouldn't be checking to see if anyone was drowning. She'd be looking right at me, and she could tell I didn't consider her a "lady." She could tell by the look in my eye that I knew she was a woman. I would never say, "Hey! Lady!" like I was Jerry Lewis.

I went first. I did a nice little head-first dive. I thought about doing a head-first Frogger where you go in head-first but you put your heels together with your toes pointed out, bring the heels up to the crotch, spread your knees as far apart as they could go, put your hands together in a prayer position, place your wrists on the top of your head with the fingers pointing straight up out of the top of your head, and dive in head-first. This was my Frogger, a unique and charming dive, but I didn't want to impress a guy. I wanted to impress the Pool Princess. This was a serious moment. I dove with a simple, head-first dive and then swam to the side of the pool.

The kid whose name I have forgotten because he only lived in our neighborhood for a month dove next. He did a perfect double or a triple somersault and entered the water without a splash. I knew it wasn't a single somersault, but I wasn't able to count the number of rotations because his body spun too rapidly through ther air to count. The Goddess Woman's beautiful jaw dropped open, and she yelled out to him to do another. He started going off that diving board and spinning thorugh the air like a top, and the beautiful lifeguard climbed down from her air chair leaving all the swimmers in danger just to talk to my little debater friend. They talked for what seemed like a half an hour.

Later he told me she had told him to come to the pool early on Saturday morning for a free, private diving lesson with a friend. I hoped it was her Olympic diver boyfriend, but I always imagined her Olympic diver girlfriend and the Goddess Lifeguard fawning all over my little hand-virgin friend.

I still like diving boards, but my diving skills will never be a source of pride. I'll never remember that kid's name, and I bet Jim doesn't either.

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