Tuesday, March 01, 2011


Pants that are hanging down far below the normally accepted level of belt height are referred to at our middle school as "saggies." I have written about saggies before and find it an amazing phenomenon. I always wondered what young people would do to be different in their attire and fashion when I became older. Who would have known the longest running fashion statement was britches pulled down so low that it appeared you had dumped in your pants? There are a lot of things I would do if I was a teenager today and wearing saggies would never be one of them. Weird hair? You bet! Saggies? No way.

Yesterday as I was leaving school I witnessed the worst case of saggies I have ever witnessed, except for that time that my good friend Karl's son and I had a saggie contest in front of his house and we both wound up waddling around in the street with our pants at our ankles. I was willing to "cooperate" in such a foolish endeavor because at the time I was slightly inebriated, was in excellent shape, and was wearing some brand new underwear that my sweet wife, Peggy, referred to as "sexy and hot." It was a tie with both of us shuffling around with our pants gathered at the shoes. No arrests were made and Karl thought it was funny as hell, and that's one of the reasons he is my friend. I also think it is quite peculiar that I use the expression, "funny as hell." Surely there is no other expression that is inaccurate as that.

This eighth grade student was outside the building in the grassy area under some beautiful pine trees. They are Ponderosa pines, and they grow immense and beautiful here in New Mexico. The Ponderosa pine holds a secret. It smells like vanilla and if you sniff the bark, that's the fragrance that will come to mind. The sky was a deep blue, there was a gentle breeze, the temperature a wonderful 62 degrees, one of those days that makes the climate here what many consider perfect, and there, right in the middle of nature's splendor, was a boy's ass covered in very sheer underwear with the crack on display for all to see, and it was the entire crack, all the way from the top of the refrigerator repair man's peek-a-boo spot to the sea bottom cavity, and the owner of this unpleasant sight was teasing some girls who were giggling far more than normal due to the fact that this boy was bent over to accentuate this disgusting sight. I never thought I'd transfer to middle school and see a boy's sheer underwear and his bare ass underneath it, and as I look back on it, I can honestly say that if I had thought about it, I would have hoped I never would.

I was giving him a stern talking to and saying things like, "I don't want to come to school and see your butt!" and every kid in the school wanted to come by and say hello to this fellow. That was quite a distraction, and an irritating one too. No one came over to talk to me! Of course, I don't wear saggies.

When I asked him if he had noticed that I had warned him about his saggies twice that day in the hall, he amateurishly said too much and confessed, "Oh sure I know about the saggie rule. The assistant principal was talking about it to me just this morning."

That was all I needed to know. I have not written a referral before, but when I mentioned the incident to the assistant principal, he asked me to please write a referral for the boy. I'll have to find out what a referral means. It's all paperwork to me at this time.

Saggies. I can't wait until that fashion statement comes to an end and is replaced with something new. With just a little more effort and the right clown shoes, kids could dress like Emmett Kelly.

Or how about bras for boys? Manssiers or Bros.........take your choice of brands. How about ear flares? Ear flares would make your ears stick out like Mad Magazine's Alfred E. Newman.

From the back you'd look like a taxicab with the back doors open.

I can only hope for such change. It's got to be better than knowing first hand that a boy's underwear is gray in color.

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