About six weeks ago I was still teaching elementary school before the summer began. At the end of every year our school has an evening of festivities and presentations called "Celebration of Children." I volunteered my fourth grade class to put on a skit. Below is the actual script that was reproduced for all my students to study and use, and these are the jokes in our comedy skit put on by my class in front of a few hundred people.
This is a long blog, so you might want to go get a cup of coffee or a diet soda pop or some herbal tea to sip while you read our script. Our comedy skit went over real well, so here it is for you to enjoy.
Mr. R. : OK class, may I have your attention, please. I am going to ask you some math questions, so get ready. Are you ready? (Sam is sleeping on his desk.) Sam! Wake up! Sam!! Do you think you can sleep in my class?
Sam: Well I could if you’d quit yelling!
Mr. R.: OK class, get ready. Here is the first math question: If you worked for ten hours at a wage of one dollar per hour, what would you get?
Tina: A new job!
Mr. R.: What do you get when you divide 12 by 4?
Bobbie: The wrong answer!!
Mr. R.: Any nine year old should be able to answer that last question!
Bobbie: Well no wonder I couldn’t do it. I’m ten!!
Mr. R.: If I gave you a one dollar for each week for a whole year, what would you have?
Jacob: A new bike!
Mr. R.: If you reached into your pocket and found 6 quarters, 7 dimes, 3 nickels, and 12 pennies, what you have?
Alan: Someone else’s pants on!!
Mr. R.: If I had 7 apples in this hand and 9 apples in this hand, what would I have?
Lauren: Great big hands!
Mr. R.: Melissa, I am going to ask you a VERY simple math question. If you had 5 dollars and I asked you to give me 2 dollars, how much would you have?
Melissa: Oh I’d still have 5 dollars! I’m not giving you any of my money!!
(Stephen strolls on stage)
Mr. R.: Stephen, why are late for class?
Stephen: I left home late.
Mr. R.: Why didn’t you leave home earlier?
Stephen: Because it was too late to leave earlier.
Mr. R.: Stephen, this is the fifth straight day you’ve been late to class. What do you have to say for yourself?
Stephen: Boy, am I glad it’s Friday!!
Alex: Mr. R., I’m going to miss school on Monday because I’ll be home sick.
Mr. R.: Are you feeling sick?
Alex: I’m not now, but I will be after my Dad sees this test score.
Mr. R.: Alex, You missed school yesterday. You’re missing too much school!
Alex: No I’m not! I stay home and play video games. I don’t miss school at all!
Mr. R.: Sam!! Are you awake! Sam! Are you awake?
Sam: Well now I am!!
Mr. R.: Alissa, I hope I didn’t see you looking at your neighbor’s test paper.
Alissa: I hope you didn’t either!
Mr. R.: OK, now let’s settle down and get ready for some social studies questions. Think social studies!! Now, class, what do George Washington and Abraham Lincoln have in common?
Tony: They’re both dead.
Mr. R.: John, you’re not ever raising your hand. Are you having trouble hearing?
John: No, I’m having trouble listening!
Mr. R.: Patty, Where was Queen Elizabeth crowned?
Patty: On her head!
Mr. R.: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
Joe: At the bottom of the page!
Mr. R.: A geography question: Where is the English Channel?
Greg: I don’t know. We don’t get cable!
Mr. R.: Can anyone name all the states in alphabetical order?
Mr. R.: When I was your age, I could name all the states in alphabetical order.
Jacob: Yeah, but there were a lot less states when you were our age.
Mr. R.: Where was George Washington buried?
Tina: In the ground?
Mr. R.: NO! NO! He was buried at Mt. Vernon. Can anyone tell me why he was buried at
Andrea: Because he was dead!
Melissa: Mr. R., I have a question.
Mr. R.: Does it have to do with social studies? I don’t want any stupid questions.
Melissa: No, this is a real question about history.
Mr. R.: OK. What’s the question?
Melissa: What did Paul Revere say when he finished his famous ride? (pause) WHOA! WHOA HORSIE! Whoa!!!
Mr. R.: OK, stop laughing! That isn’t that funny. That’s not funny! Let’s talk about some of yesterday’s tests and test scores. Audrey, did you think the test questions were hard?
Audrey: No, the questions were easy. It was the answers that were hard.
Mr. R.: Tina, I had trouble reading your test because your handwriting is terrible. I think you should learn to write neatly.
Tina: Mr. R., I already know how to write neater.
Mr. R.: Well then, why don’t you do it!!??!
Tina: If I wrote neater, you’d find out that I can’t spell!
Mr. R.: Well then you need to buy a dictionary.
Tina: I’m waiting for it to come out on video.
Mr. R.: Spelling isn’t that hard. Let’s do an easy word that you have been learning how to spell for four years. How do you spell school?
Tina: S – K – U – U – L?
Mr. R.: That isn’t how it’s spelled in the dictionary!
Tina: I thought you asked me how I spelled it!
Mr. R.: Class, stop laughing! That wasn’t that funny! (Maria raises her hand.) Yes, Maria?
Maria: Mr. R., I am also having a hard time learning how to spell.
Mr. R.: You too? Why is that?
Maria: Because all the words are different!
Mr. R.: Sam!! Wake up!! You act like you don’t want to be here. Do you like going to school?
Sam: I like coming and going to school. It’s the in-between part I don’t like!
John: Mr. R., I ain’t got no pencil.
Mr. R.: I haven’t got a pencil!!
John: That makes two of us!
Kenneth: Mr. R., I am sure thankful I wasn’t born in Germany.
Mr. R.: What are you talking about? Why in tarnation, are you glad you weren’t born in Germany?
Kenneth: Because I can’t speak German.
Mr. R.: Let’s get back to work! Here is an easy question. No one can miss this: What can birds do that humans can’t? (pause) What can birds do that humans can not??
Callie: Sit on telephone wires!!!!
Joe: Mr. R., I sure am glad everyone calls me Joe.
Mr. R.: Well Joe, why is that?
Joe: Because that’s my name!!
Mr. R.: I think this class is full of idiots. I want any of you who realize that you’re an idiot to please stand up. (long pause, then Elizabeth stands up)
Mr. R.: Elizabeth, are you an idiot?
Elizabeth: No. I just hated to see you standing there all by yourself!!!
Mr. R.: OK. That’s the recess bell. This morning I told the class that everyone had to stay in for recess, but I’ve changed my mind. I want all of you to go to recess. I don’t know why I’m doing this, but I’m gonna let all of you go to recess.
Thomas: Mr. R., I know why you’re gonna let us go to recess.
Mr. R.: Why is that, Thomas?
Thomas: Because it’s a nice thing to do, and old people always do nice things.
(Kids rush out the door laughing and yelling. Mr. R. bangs his head against the wall in frustration. End of show.)