Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Comedy Skit

About six weeks ago I was still teaching elementary school before the summer began. At the end of every year our school has an evening of festivities and presentations called "Celebration of Children." I volunteered my fourth grade class to put on a skit. Below is the actual script that was reproduced for all my students to study and use, and these are the jokes in our comedy skit put on by my class in front of a few hundred people.

This is a long blog, so you might want to go get a cup of coffee or a diet soda pop or some herbal tea to sip while you read our script. Our comedy skit went over real well, so here it is for you to enjoy.



Mr. R. : OK class, may I have your attention, please. I am going to ask you some math questions, so get ready. Are you ready? (Sam is sleeping on his desk.) Sam! Wake up! Sam!! Do you think you can sleep in my class?
Sam: Well I could if you’d quit yelling!

Mr. R.: OK class, get ready. Here is the first math question: If you worked for ten hours at a wage of one dollar per hour, what would you get?
Tina: A new job!

Mr. R.: What do you get when you divide 12 by 4?
Bobbie: The wrong answer!!
Mr. R.: Any nine year old should be able to answer that last question!
Bobbie: Well no wonder I couldn’t do it. I’m ten!!

Mr. R.: If I gave you a one dollar for each week for a whole year, what would you have?
Jacob: A new bike!

Mr. R.: If you reached into your pocket and found 6 quarters, 7 dimes, 3 nickels, and 12 pennies, what you have?
Alan: Someone else’s pants on!!

Mr. R.: If I had 7 apples in this hand and 9 apples in this hand, what would I have?
Lauren: Great big hands!

Mr. R.: Melissa, I am going to ask you a VERY simple math question. If you had 5 dollars and I asked you to give me 2 dollars, how much would you have?
Melissa: Oh I’d still have 5 dollars! I’m not giving you any of my money!!

(Stephen strolls on stage)
Mr. R.: Stephen, why are late for class?
Stephen: I left home late.
Mr. R.: Why didn’t you leave home earlier?
Stephen: Because it was too late to leave earlier.
Mr. R.: Stephen, this is the fifth straight day you’ve been late to class. What do you have to say for yourself?
Stephen: Boy, am I glad it’s Friday!!

Alex: Mr. R., I’m going to miss school on Monday because I’ll be home sick.
Mr. R.: Are you feeling sick?
Alex: I’m not now, but I will be after my Dad sees this test score.
Mr. R.: Alex, You missed school yesterday. You’re missing too much school!
Alex: No I’m not! I stay home and play video games. I don’t miss school at all!

Mr. R.: Sam!! Are you awake! Sam! Are you awake?
Sam: Well now I am!!

Mr. R.: Alissa, I hope I didn’t see you looking at your neighbor’s test paper.
Alissa: I hope you didn’t either!

Mr. R.: OK, now let’s settle down and get ready for some social studies questions. Think social studies!! Now, class, what do George Washington and Abraham Lincoln have in common?
Tony: They’re both dead.

Mr. R.: John, you’re not ever raising your hand. Are you having trouble hearing?
John: No, I’m having trouble listening!

Mr. R.: Patty, Where was Queen Elizabeth crowned?
Patty: On her head!

Mr. R.: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
Joe: At the bottom of the page!

Mr. R.: A geography question: Where is the English Channel?
Greg: I don’t know. We don’t get cable!

Mr. R.: Can anyone name all the states in alphabetical order?
(silence)
Mr. R.: When I was your age, I could name all the states in alphabetical order.
Jacob: Yeah, but there were a lot less states when you were our age.

Mr. R.: Where was George Washington buried?
Tina: In the ground?
Mr. R.: NO! NO! He was buried at Mt. Vernon. Can anyone tell me why he was buried at
Mt. Vernon?
Andrea: Because he was dead!

Melissa: Mr. R., I have a question.
Mr. R.: Does it have to do with social studies? I don’t want any stupid questions.
Melissa: No, this is a real question about history.
Mr. R.: OK. What’s the question?
Melissa: What did Paul Revere say when he finished his famous ride? (pause) WHOA! WHOA HORSIE! Whoa!!!

Mr. R.: OK, stop laughing! That isn’t that funny. That’s not funny! Let’s talk about some of yesterday’s tests and test scores. Audrey, did you think the test questions were hard?
Audrey: No, the questions were easy. It was the answers that were hard.

Mr. R.: Tina, I had trouble reading your test because your handwriting is terrible. I think you should learn to write neatly.
Tina: Mr. R., I already know how to write neater.
Mr. R.: Well then, why don’t you do it!!??!
Tina: If I wrote neater, you’d find out that I can’t spell!
Mr. R.: Well then you need to buy a dictionary.
Tina: I’m waiting for it to come out on video.
Mr. R.: Spelling isn’t that hard. Let’s do an easy word that you have been learning how to spell for four years. How do you spell school?
Tina: S – K – U – U – L?
Mr. R.: That isn’t how it’s spelled in the dictionary!
Tina: I thought you asked me how I spelled it!

Mr. R.: Class, stop laughing! That wasn’t that funny! (Maria raises her hand.) Yes, Maria?
Maria: Mr. R., I am also having a hard time learning how to spell.
Mr. R.: You too? Why is that?
Maria: Because all the words are different!

Mr. R.: Sam!! Wake up!! You act like you don’t want to be here. Do you like going to school?
Sam: I like coming and going to school. It’s the in-between part I don’t like!

John: Mr. R., I ain’t got no pencil.
Mr. R.: I haven’t got a pencil!!
John: That makes two of us!

Kenneth: Mr. R., I am sure thankful I wasn’t born in Germany.
Mr. R.: What are you talking about? Why in tarnation, are you glad you weren’t born in Germany?
Kenneth: Because I can’t speak German.

Mr. R.: Let’s get back to work! Here is an easy question. No one can miss this: What can birds do that humans can’t? (pause) What can birds do that humans can not??
Callie: Sit on telephone wires!!!!

Joe: Mr. R., I sure am glad everyone calls me Joe.
Mr. R.: Well Joe, why is that?
Joe: Because that’s my name!!

Mr. R.: I think this class is full of idiots. I want any of you who realize that you’re an idiot to please stand up. (long pause, then Elizabeth stands up)
Mr. R.: Elizabeth, are you an idiot?
Elizabeth: No. I just hated to see you standing there all by yourself!!!

Mr. R.: OK. That’s the recess bell. This morning I told the class that everyone had to stay in for recess, but I’ve changed my mind. I want all of you to go to recess. I don’t know why I’m doing this, but I’m gonna let all of you go to recess.
Thomas: Mr. R., I know why you’re gonna let us go to recess.
Mr. R.: Why is that, Thomas?
Thomas: Because it’s a nice thing to do, and old people always do nice things.

(Kids rush out the door laughing and yelling. Mr. R. bangs his head against the wall in frustration. End of show.)

25 comments:

tracy said...

I love this skit, do you write all of the material or do the kids add their bit? I wish I had a fun 4th grade teacher. I can't even remember my 4th grade teacher, isn't that sad. I know your students will.

musicmom said...

May 2008 - I'm an elementary school teacher looking for a free end-of-year skit. May I use this?

Anonymous said...

I know, right? I think my friends and I are gonna do this skit for the camp talent show! By the way, you're probably an awesome teacher!

Anonymous said...

this skit is the best skit i ever saw in my life
can i use this skit for my drama class
never mind
i will
lool
cause i loved it like hell
xxxx
i wish you were my teacher
XD
love=layal

Mrs Harris said...

very tongue in cheek! my 5 sons are part of a talent show for a nursing home may we 'increase the circulation of your brilliance' and perform your bit? ( i also chuckled at the name of your blog!)

Anonymous said...

hi i am satvik sethi of class 6th, and am using your skit 4 my skuul play




gr8 job

alpa said...

i liked it very intresting and comedy i am taking it for my friends

Anonymous said...

nyc 1 i lyked it...

Anonymous said...

If you don't mind.... I might "borrow" this and use it w/ my theatre class for a fun end of the year skit! THANKS!

Anonymous said...

This is amazing! We do a skit every year when we go to a family fun week on holiday - I may have to borrow this, but I promise we will not take credit for it :)
Thanks for the giggles!

Anonymous said...

My 10 year old son and his buddies need a great skit like this to preform at the schools variety show. Would it be ok for him to use your skit?
It's fantastic!

aditya tiwari said...

sorry...as i am going to use this skitt for my class although we are in 7th...but i like this..its awesome

UTtAra said...

this is amazing! i am using it for my 5th grade play. my first one was a flop and now when i do this, i think my teacher will forget all about that play and like, coz this is AWESOME!! I couldnt stop laughing at one point.

Anonymous said...

The skit is coooooooooooooooooool.
I might use this. Thanks.

Hema

SharkBait said...

did u take a video of this? if u did, u should post it on youtube.

Anonymous said...

OMG,i love this skit. i might use it for a show this summer. did u write it or did the kids help? i would have loved to have a teacher like you.

Anonymous said...

This skit is soooo funny, i am so

using it for my skit at skuul.

Plz make a video and post it on

youtube. Remember LOL!:)

jaanvi jayara said...

thats great I really nad that skit.

Anonymous said...

Hello!

I am a k - 8 music teacher at a charter school. I love your skit and would love to use parts (or all) of it for a school wide talent show I'm putting together. These jokes would be told by our student emcees in between acts. Please let me know if I might use them, and if so, how you would like to be credited.

rgarcia@harmonytx.org

Anonymous said...

its awesome

noman said...

This is great!

Anonymous said...

aaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeee. usin' it for my skuul play

Anonymous said...

This is great! I love it. I have my end of semester with my drama and theater sixth graders and this will be our bow out skit. Please and thank you! :)

Anonymous said...

man its a good one...
can i use it for our Party held at our school...???

Anonymous said...

good one i am using it