Saturday, November 06, 2010


I would have thought that the fashion statement of "pants on the ground" would have died out by now. I have watched boys waddle around Albuquerque for fifteen years with the tops of their underwear on public display, and I've been amused by it. I just never pictured it as a fashion statement that would survive so long.

Pants that hang way down are called "saggies" and are against the dress code rules at our school, but preventing boys from wearing "saggies" is not an easily enforceable rule, and due to lawyers and "freedom of expression" our principal chooses different battles.

In second period math class I called on Roger to go to the whiteboard and explain how the answer could be obtained, to show us the calculation. As Roger waddled to the front of the room I realized he was wearing "saggies." Aww it was awwful. The crotch of his pants were hanging down to his mid-calf region.

I yelled out, "Roger! Don't move!"

Roger, of course, turned around.

"Roger! Don't move! Look back at the board. Turn your back to us!"

Roger started to laugh, maybe out of confusion, and didn't turn around.

I yelled again, "Roger! Face the board and don't move!"

Roger figured it out, turned to face the board, and hiked his pants way, way up.

I yelled out, "Roger! Lift your pants higher!"

Roger lifted them higher.

"Higher!" I yelled. "I DO NOT want to see what is underneath the outer layer!"

Roger hiked his pants up to full fledged Nerd Position, and the two of us started to get laughs.

I yelled back, "Now keep it that way! I do NOT want to know what is underneath the outer layer."

It was at that moment that Roger let go of his pants, and they went down, down, and then down too low. I saw black underwear, and I screamed out, "Oh NO! Roger! You are wearing black underwear and it's disgusting, and I did NOT want to know that!"

The class was having a good time.

Roger attempted to inform me that it was not his underwear, that it was shorts and his underwear was underneath his shorts, but I could find no comfort in that fact, and I told him so.

The class was having a really good time, but I was "serious." When the laughing died down and Roger finished his calculations and returned to his desk, I went to the front of the room and informed them that my new class rule was that I am to NEVER know the color or appearance of any clothing that is underneath the outer wear. Kids started "informing" me that shorts and other clothes are worn under the outer clothing so that what you see "might not be underwear." I told them again that there was no encouragement or consolation in that fact. I told them that my new class rule is, and I quote:

"The color or appearance of any clothing that is under the outer wear should never be forced on anyone."

"For one thing," I told them, "saggies remind me of my cousin, David, who had a photo of himself taken when he was about one and half years old, and his diaper was sagging way down just like saggies do today, but David's diaper was sagging because of the weight of the urine and the dump he had taken, and the load was obvious in the photo. Saggies remind me of my cousin David's diaper dumpload."

"Also," I added, "Modest people have their rights too. I don't want to know the color of girls' bras and panties or the color of boys' underclothing. The inner clothing does not have to be the innermost clothing, and it does not have to be contacting the skin or private parts. All it has to be is beneath the outer clothing. How would you guys like to see all your teachers' under clothing?"

They all started making puke faces, gasping for air and fake wretching.

I said, "Fine. Now you know how I feel. No underneath clothing is allowed to be seen."

Ha! Fat chance of me winning that battle. I'm still working on getting that class to do 50% of its homework. Now that's a real battle I choose to fight. Not necessarily win, but at least pitifully swing at it every now and then.

As an aside, taken out of context I might be terminated for one or any of my comments above. (Choose one.)

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