Tuesday, January 11, 2011


The holidays were like a near-death experience except there was no light at the end of the tunnel and there was no sense of peace and love as I didn't approach it.

My health took a nosedive. If I was a car I would have been diagnosed with a blockage of and a serious leakage in the rear exhaust system which affected the power train. I also had a malfunctioning fuel system and two broken rear suspension parts. All in all, it was a pitiful sight to see a robust, masculine work of virile manhood such as myself reduced to a decrepit geezer.

The reason I don't actually give specific diagnoses of my health is due to a singular devotion to maintaining a youthful attitude. I may have already informed you of my efforts to maintain that attitude, and here is how I do it.

I classify people in two categories: the young and the elderly. The biggest difference between them is that the young concentrate on and limit their discussion of the human body to exterior body parts. The elderly, meaning a lot of my friends, discuss interior body parts. I can't stand listening to them talk about blood pressure and pharmaceuticals and organs and organ removals and diseases and such. It is all so depressing. I want to focus on exterior body parts such as hair, lips, rear-ends, hips, pokey-outey parts, and stuff like that. That will keep you young.

So I suffered from some pretty serious afflictions, but relating them to automotive problems relieves me of having to go into disgusting, elderly conversational mode.

I had two weeks off due to the holidays (teachers have a great vacation schedule!) and then I had to call in sick five more days right after that because of my exhaust, fuel and suspension systems. It was horrible!

I was so glad to see the students when I finally returned that I could have hugged them. Instead, I just returned to making their lives a little miserable and knowing that I am NOT ready for retirement, at least not under such painful and decrepit conditions.

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